You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
