Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
