When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
