How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
