when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
