lets start a swedish sibling band together
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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