I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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