I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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