he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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