dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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