...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
