Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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