She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
