i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
