dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
