dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
