I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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