I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I see more hoeing in ur future
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