cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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