If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
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