My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Shame - the story of my life.
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