I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
if only i could text you this smell
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
