i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
only you would photoshop your dick
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
