in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Randomize
