oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
