What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
