I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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