We won't sleep together?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
