Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you had me at cake vodka
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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