Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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