Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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