I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
