Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
