Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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