I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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