while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
