please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
