he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
