Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
