ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
