imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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