He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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