hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
