a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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