every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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