I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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