sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
