Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
