I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
