My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
