I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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